When I met Devin I was very much into the whole military thing, given we met in an ROTC class! I really didn't know that much about the army still and was learning more every day. When Devin and I decided to get married I knew it was going to be a big sacrifice on both of our parts at different points in our marriage. I knew deployments would happen and I knew that my husband was going to be a soldier first and a husband second. In my mind it was manageable and one of those things you tackle as it comes. You learn to deal with it and adjust accordingly. I knew I loved Devin enough and that that should help carry us through the hard times. What I didn't expect is to feel a loss so indescribable, to feel a hole in your heart, to feel completely lost without him.
We had a date for a couple months, he was going to be on the first flight from his unit to deploy beginning of November. Thats when the denial hit me. I wouldn't look at the calendar, I wouldn't talk about it, it was just going to come naturally. That didn't prevent the stress. I was devastated. I didn't want to be alone for a year, I would go to sleep thinking of all the last things we were doing together, the idea of spending the holidays alone, the worries of getting sick and not having him to help me, eating alone, just mere emptiness. A couple weeks before he left I was so frustrated I remember yelling at him that I just wished that he would leave already just GO. Its so hard when there is this anticipation, a buildup, a packing list that needs to be filled, a list of things to buy before he leaves. The constant begging to buy more things just so he can stay entertained. The whole time I kept thinking what about me? I felt more alone than ever. The heartbreak august brought us, the heartbreak of another failed attempt to conceive, and knowing Devin was the only one who understands any of it and he's now leaving me.
The day he left. We woke up, it was sunday morning the 20th of November (his date was pushed back twice). We cuddled in bed and I cried. He told me it was ok and not to cry but how can you not when you know your saying goodbye for a very long time. He had loaded the car the night before, he got his toothbrush, deodorant and packed his last bags. We got in the car and drove to post. It was a very quiet drive, I couldn't let go of his hand. We went to his office and did some last minute stuff. I would not let him out of my sight. He went and got his gun issued and thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really happening. My husband was going to war. It made me wish I had joined in 2006 so I might be able to go with him. His soldiers showed up and all the guns were issued and all the guys were ready to head to the airport. We drove to the airport, it was all a big blur. They went to check their bags and I was issued a pass to go to the gate. The lady asked how I was doing. Wrong question. I tried to be ok but couldn't hide the occasional tear. We went through security, ate lunch with one of the soldiers Devin had to keep accounted for. Before I knew it they were calling for boarding his flight. Ive never felt so helpless before in my life. Its like you have to do something but your body doesn't want to so you can't move, you can't talk, you can't do anything but cry, lifeless and limp, he picked me up to hug me and I just sobbed. I thought I would fall to the ground if he didn't hold me. All I could say was don't leave me. I hugged him for a couple minutes before he told me he really had to go. I gave him my last tear covered kiss and let go. I had to leave quickly, I turned around to watch him disappear onto the plane. I hurried to my car and sobbed the rest of the way home. I got in bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept all day. It was like that for 4 days. Where did the strength go that I supposedly have?
Thanksgiving came, I had a good time with my aunt and uncle but I was so empty, my other half was definitely missed that day. Stephanie called me to see how I was doing. I can keep it together until someone asks that question. Especially her, I know how hard it was when Jeff left her and I now was going through the same thing. I cried again, I cried a lot that day but then it was over. The day was done, I knew it was time to move forward. Everyday has been getting better than the last. I have had a couple melt downs because its never fun to experience exciting things without the one you love. Its hard to sleep alone. Its a daily challenge still to not miss him like crazy. Ive filled some of the pain with constant emails and 5 care packages. Christmas will bring more challenges but hopefully Ill be with someone who can maybe understand and help me to enjoy the holiday.
As for Devin, he is all settled now in Afghanistan, he has his own little room with a little shelf, a little bed and a little closet. He has been working long hours for the last couple weeks now. He does not get holidays or weekends, he gets lonely, he doesn't get visitors, but he likes being over there. He says its not that bad. He has been training for so long so its about time he gets to see it over there again. He is crossing his fingers for mid tour leave. I am very hopeful, I would love to spend two weeks with him in-between this journey.
I am very grateful for the military, I am grateful for the men and women and their sacrifices every day, I am grateful for the families willing to sacrifice for their loved ones. I am proud to be married to an officer of the army. I am grateful that we have the next year to do a lot of reflecting, bonding, strengthening our marriage, paying off debt, making goals for the rest of our lives, strengthening our relationship with the lord, learning patience and so much more. I long for the reuniting and the excitement and anticipation that will come with it. I can't wait to feel like a 16 year old just falling in love for the first time all over again. I love my husband, I'm grateful for his service, I know he will come home safe, heres to the next year!
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