Saturday, December 17, 2011
Blog Comments
I just want to apologize to everyone that ever made comments on my blogs... apparently I never received notifications of comments cause I just barely read some from back in 2009. OOOPS!
South Korea
With Devin gone and owning my own business I have the ability to leave whenever I want. Space A is my best friend. I love flying for free and I love that the military offers this perk to wives with soldiers overseas. I was planning on going to Arizona to see my friend Tonya and her two new beautiful babies and then hop over to Louisiana but I instead found a flight heading to Korea. I thought about it for 5 minutes then said no, there is no way I can do it, its too last second, what about my cats, what about my business, what about my mail, no cell service, how would I talk to Devin?, too many what abouts... well my dear friend Kristina was sooo excited that it was even an idea, and then I talked to Stephanie who said really when is going to be a good time if you don't just go. So I thought about it and she was right. If I didn't go, I never would. I tied up all the loose ends and the next thing I knew I was on a plane for Korea... Crazy! BUT its been a blast, Im having a blast, there are so many things to see, so many things to do. There is no way I can see it all and I know I need to leave soon so I'm trying to wrap up all the excitement. The Koreans are the nicest people. They are so sweet. I am not a fan of using elevators here since they cram in like sardines and you can barely breathe. I don't like being in too close of proximity as the older men cause most smell like vodka but the old ladies are priceless, especially with Kristinas 2 blonde sons, they LOVE them. Its very entertaining. The language barrier is quite exciting as well. You never know what your eating unless you get lucky to have the food written in english as well but its kinda scary. I experienced pure bliss yesterday when something hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the night on the toilet. It was a party! Don't know what it was but I definitely feel better today. The shopping here is AMAZING!!! They have the nicest clothes ever. Some of the stores are actually somewhat affordable. I told Devin before he left that I was not going to buy any clothes before he left but I was wrong. Month 1 and I bought a bunch! Some were or him though. Ill post more when my trip is over. I should be coming home this next week!
Deployment 2011-2012
When I met Devin I was very much into the whole military thing, given we met in an ROTC class! I really didn't know that much about the army still and was learning more every day. When Devin and I decided to get married I knew it was going to be a big sacrifice on both of our parts at different points in our marriage. I knew deployments would happen and I knew that my husband was going to be a soldier first and a husband second. In my mind it was manageable and one of those things you tackle as it comes. You learn to deal with it and adjust accordingly. I knew I loved Devin enough and that that should help carry us through the hard times. What I didn't expect is to feel a loss so indescribable, to feel a hole in your heart, to feel completely lost without him.
We had a date for a couple months, he was going to be on the first flight from his unit to deploy beginning of November. Thats when the denial hit me. I wouldn't look at the calendar, I wouldn't talk about it, it was just going to come naturally. That didn't prevent the stress. I was devastated. I didn't want to be alone for a year, I would go to sleep thinking of all the last things we were doing together, the idea of spending the holidays alone, the worries of getting sick and not having him to help me, eating alone, just mere emptiness. A couple weeks before he left I was so frustrated I remember yelling at him that I just wished that he would leave already just GO. Its so hard when there is this anticipation, a buildup, a packing list that needs to be filled, a list of things to buy before he leaves. The constant begging to buy more things just so he can stay entertained. The whole time I kept thinking what about me? I felt more alone than ever. The heartbreak august brought us, the heartbreak of another failed attempt to conceive, and knowing Devin was the only one who understands any of it and he's now leaving me.
The day he left. We woke up, it was sunday morning the 20th of November (his date was pushed back twice). We cuddled in bed and I cried. He told me it was ok and not to cry but how can you not when you know your saying goodbye for a very long time. He had loaded the car the night before, he got his toothbrush, deodorant and packed his last bags. We got in the car and drove to post. It was a very quiet drive, I couldn't let go of his hand. We went to his office and did some last minute stuff. I would not let him out of my sight. He went and got his gun issued and thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really happening. My husband was going to war. It made me wish I had joined in 2006 so I might be able to go with him. His soldiers showed up and all the guns were issued and all the guys were ready to head to the airport. We drove to the airport, it was all a big blur. They went to check their bags and I was issued a pass to go to the gate. The lady asked how I was doing. Wrong question. I tried to be ok but couldn't hide the occasional tear. We went through security, ate lunch with one of the soldiers Devin had to keep accounted for. Before I knew it they were calling for boarding his flight. Ive never felt so helpless before in my life. Its like you have to do something but your body doesn't want to so you can't move, you can't talk, you can't do anything but cry, lifeless and limp, he picked me up to hug me and I just sobbed. I thought I would fall to the ground if he didn't hold me. All I could say was don't leave me. I hugged him for a couple minutes before he told me he really had to go. I gave him my last tear covered kiss and let go. I had to leave quickly, I turned around to watch him disappear onto the plane. I hurried to my car and sobbed the rest of the way home. I got in bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept all day. It was like that for 4 days. Where did the strength go that I supposedly have?
Thanksgiving came, I had a good time with my aunt and uncle but I was so empty, my other half was definitely missed that day. Stephanie called me to see how I was doing. I can keep it together until someone asks that question. Especially her, I know how hard it was when Jeff left her and I now was going through the same thing. I cried again, I cried a lot that day but then it was over. The day was done, I knew it was time to move forward. Everyday has been getting better than the last. I have had a couple melt downs because its never fun to experience exciting things without the one you love. Its hard to sleep alone. Its a daily challenge still to not miss him like crazy. Ive filled some of the pain with constant emails and 5 care packages. Christmas will bring more challenges but hopefully Ill be with someone who can maybe understand and help me to enjoy the holiday.
As for Devin, he is all settled now in Afghanistan, he has his own little room with a little shelf, a little bed and a little closet. He has been working long hours for the last couple weeks now. He does not get holidays or weekends, he gets lonely, he doesn't get visitors, but he likes being over there. He says its not that bad. He has been training for so long so its about time he gets to see it over there again. He is crossing his fingers for mid tour leave. I am very hopeful, I would love to spend two weeks with him in-between this journey.
I am very grateful for the military, I am grateful for the men and women and their sacrifices every day, I am grateful for the families willing to sacrifice for their loved ones. I am proud to be married to an officer of the army. I am grateful that we have the next year to do a lot of reflecting, bonding, strengthening our marriage, paying off debt, making goals for the rest of our lives, strengthening our relationship with the lord, learning patience and so much more. I long for the reuniting and the excitement and anticipation that will come with it. I can't wait to feel like a 16 year old just falling in love for the first time all over again. I love my husband, I'm grateful for his service, I know he will come home safe, heres to the next year!
We had a date for a couple months, he was going to be on the first flight from his unit to deploy beginning of November. Thats when the denial hit me. I wouldn't look at the calendar, I wouldn't talk about it, it was just going to come naturally. That didn't prevent the stress. I was devastated. I didn't want to be alone for a year, I would go to sleep thinking of all the last things we were doing together, the idea of spending the holidays alone, the worries of getting sick and not having him to help me, eating alone, just mere emptiness. A couple weeks before he left I was so frustrated I remember yelling at him that I just wished that he would leave already just GO. Its so hard when there is this anticipation, a buildup, a packing list that needs to be filled, a list of things to buy before he leaves. The constant begging to buy more things just so he can stay entertained. The whole time I kept thinking what about me? I felt more alone than ever. The heartbreak august brought us, the heartbreak of another failed attempt to conceive, and knowing Devin was the only one who understands any of it and he's now leaving me.
The day he left. We woke up, it was sunday morning the 20th of November (his date was pushed back twice). We cuddled in bed and I cried. He told me it was ok and not to cry but how can you not when you know your saying goodbye for a very long time. He had loaded the car the night before, he got his toothbrush, deodorant and packed his last bags. We got in the car and drove to post. It was a very quiet drive, I couldn't let go of his hand. We went to his office and did some last minute stuff. I would not let him out of my sight. He went and got his gun issued and thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was really happening. My husband was going to war. It made me wish I had joined in 2006 so I might be able to go with him. His soldiers showed up and all the guns were issued and all the guys were ready to head to the airport. We drove to the airport, it was all a big blur. They went to check their bags and I was issued a pass to go to the gate. The lady asked how I was doing. Wrong question. I tried to be ok but couldn't hide the occasional tear. We went through security, ate lunch with one of the soldiers Devin had to keep accounted for. Before I knew it they were calling for boarding his flight. Ive never felt so helpless before in my life. Its like you have to do something but your body doesn't want to so you can't move, you can't talk, you can't do anything but cry, lifeless and limp, he picked me up to hug me and I just sobbed. I thought I would fall to the ground if he didn't hold me. All I could say was don't leave me. I hugged him for a couple minutes before he told me he really had to go. I gave him my last tear covered kiss and let go. I had to leave quickly, I turned around to watch him disappear onto the plane. I hurried to my car and sobbed the rest of the way home. I got in bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept all day. It was like that for 4 days. Where did the strength go that I supposedly have?
Thanksgiving came, I had a good time with my aunt and uncle but I was so empty, my other half was definitely missed that day. Stephanie called me to see how I was doing. I can keep it together until someone asks that question. Especially her, I know how hard it was when Jeff left her and I now was going through the same thing. I cried again, I cried a lot that day but then it was over. The day was done, I knew it was time to move forward. Everyday has been getting better than the last. I have had a couple melt downs because its never fun to experience exciting things without the one you love. Its hard to sleep alone. Its a daily challenge still to not miss him like crazy. Ive filled some of the pain with constant emails and 5 care packages. Christmas will bring more challenges but hopefully Ill be with someone who can maybe understand and help me to enjoy the holiday.
As for Devin, he is all settled now in Afghanistan, he has his own little room with a little shelf, a little bed and a little closet. He has been working long hours for the last couple weeks now. He does not get holidays or weekends, he gets lonely, he doesn't get visitors, but he likes being over there. He says its not that bad. He has been training for so long so its about time he gets to see it over there again. He is crossing his fingers for mid tour leave. I am very hopeful, I would love to spend two weeks with him in-between this journey.
I am very grateful for the military, I am grateful for the men and women and their sacrifices every day, I am grateful for the families willing to sacrifice for their loved ones. I am proud to be married to an officer of the army. I am grateful that we have the next year to do a lot of reflecting, bonding, strengthening our marriage, paying off debt, making goals for the rest of our lives, strengthening our relationship with the lord, learning patience and so much more. I long for the reuniting and the excitement and anticipation that will come with it. I can't wait to feel like a 16 year old just falling in love for the first time all over again. I love my husband, I'm grateful for his service, I know he will come home safe, heres to the next year!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Leave
We had the best time on leave! One more thing to be grateful for with the military is the wonderful breaks that we get to spend together. We didn't really have anything set in stone until the last second which was kind of fun. I love living on the edge. Devin on the other hand has a few anxieties about last second stuff. We were trying to get to Louisiana to see his family before he left but there just weren't any space a flights. We did get a flight to Washington though! My long lost aunt Carol lives in Washington and we were able to spend some time with her and her wonderful family. It was a blast and we did not want to leave. Their home is beautiful and very relaxing. You just want to put your jammies on and vege. Our favorite thing to do!
After Carols we stayed in a time share with one of our favorite couples. Stephanie and Jeff drove from North Idaho to Seattle to see us. It was SOOOO much fun. Another time that we didn't want to end. The time share was pretty nice, we were right in the heart of Seattle so it was a lot of fun. We did some shopping, went to a Seattle Sounders soccer game, and just had a good time catching up and reuniting since Jeff just got home from Iraq and Devin and him hadn't seen each other since their wedding in April 09. We won't let that happen again. The boys were able to go golfing together before we had to go our separate ways, they golfed for HOURS, apparently they got a little rusty! We drove down to Oregon and visited my aunt and uncle, cousins, my sweet grampy, my mom, ken, and then back up to seattle to catch another flight to California!
Devin had never met some family favorites... Chuck and Nance. We spend a few days at their house in Atascadero and loved every second of it. Devin couldn't get enough of them. He wanted to stay longer but we had already stayed longer than planned. It was an excellent way to spend leave. We caught a flight home (barely) and begun our descent to deployment.
Continued Hope
After the unsuccessful pregnancy I decided to focus on Devin and work. I enjoyed helping us financially and spending more time with my love since the upcoming deployment was reaching closer and closer. We ended up having a doctor fall into our laps that was so excited to meet us and help us. We actually had time to do a round of IUI, its less extensive than IVF but still a good route to go apparently. We now have an amazing doctor who is very informative and wanted to help me out as best and quickly as possible before Devin left. She was heaven sent just for the way she cared for me. We went in and found out I don't have a polyp, thank goodness! Devin's deployment date wasn't set until November 7th and we had started with our new doctor beginning of October. It was tight but manageable! Everything worked great, it was way less stressful than IVF, the injections didn't hurt as bad, the doses were a lot smaller and it was less time consuming. Devin was able to see his swimming soldiers under the microscope which thrilled him to no end. He had to tell everyone! The round of IUI didn't work but we are still hopeful. We are focusing on the deployment now and building our marriage through Skype conversations, care packages and daily emails.
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