It has been a pretty long time since I have gotten on here but I figure it’s about time I let it all out! I have been carrying a huge burden on my shoulders for almost 5 years now. I didn’t know how to talk about it, I didn’t want to sound like a whiny baby, I haven’t wanted to possibly offend anyone, AND I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for what I have. For those of you who I have told, I hope that it didn’t come across as annoying or over the top, and I hope it hasn’t come up too often but it is something very hard to bear and I can no longer be quiet about it.
I was diagnosed September 2009 with endometriosis. I have been suffering from excruciating pain every month since I was 15. I had spoken with several doctors, been to the E.R. several times but still nothing. I was told I had ovarian cysts, I was told it might be appendicitis but to no avail I was always sent home with a hole in my arm and a prescription for pain meds. Devin and I were always looking forward to a family from the first day of our marriage. We knew the timing wasn’t really perfect but figured if it happened it happened. Well, nothing happened and it stayed that way for now almost 5 years. Devin was gone here and there doing military training and so whenever he was home we tried but still the same thing. I waited until a couple days before my period to anxiously pee on that dreaded stick for months on end. Every single time it was the same devastation. I would see my friends around me getting pregnant, girls that were 5 years younger than me getting pregnant, my own step-mother, the women at the grocery stores, the teenager that had sex once and bam she’s knocked up, shopping malls, baby announcements, baby showers, it was never ending. I sucked it up for 4 years and figured my time would come. I got annoying advice all of the time… “just relax, it will happen once you relax”, “it’s in the Lords time, just have patience”, “don’t have kids, their just a nightmare”, “your still young, what’s the rush”, “maybe you just weren’t meant to have kids on this earth”, “maybe its cause your marriage is unstable”. Let’s just say I wanted to scream at these people and tell them to SHUT UP! You don’t understand, you’re not in my shoes, you don’t feel the pain the loneliness, you aren’t the one feeling like less of a woman, like your broken inside. I can tell people about a problem at home but I don’t think it ever comes out that we are both going through hell inside and really how hard it is to both stay positive and happy when you both feel a little empty. I still feel this. Every single day that passes, my heart aches, I can’t sit through sacrament meeting without a tear in my eye, every single Sunday I am in pain. I pray every chance I get to be comforted, to make it through, to trust in the Lord, to have faith in his plan. We have fasted; we have gone to the temple so many times in search for an answer as to whether or not we are supposed to have a child and to ask what God has in store for us. I have faith in the Lord, I know that there is something in store for me but it does not change the hurt and emptiness inside of me. I want to be a mother more than anything in the whole world. I want to have a family, a busy schedule revolving around my children. I have accomplished so many things and have drowned myself into hobbies, education, building my businesses, doing service, cooking, baking, whatever else is out there, I’ve done it but at the end of the day it is not the fulfillment I’m looking for. It is all just a way to preoccupy my time.
I had a 4 hour surgery September 09 where they went in and found a lot of scar tissue and removed what they could, they checked me all over and afterwards said I should be good to go, they said I would be fertile and could have babies. Then when nothing happened 6 months later I went in to be told to do a bunch of testing, take clomid, do blood work, check sperm, have an excruciating procedure called an HSG where they put a tube inside of my fallopian tubes, pinched off the opening with a clamp and rushed fluid through them while the whole time I was awake but of course they found nothing. I did clomid for 6 months and then was told I fall into the category of unexplained infertility. I was referred to a clinic in Soldotna Alaska and a clinic in Seattle Washington. I was told the last chance of having my own child would be to try IVF (In vitro fertilization), a very expensive procedure with a 50% success rate. So now here I am, I am on day 2 of my mense cycle (the first part of the Long Lupron Protocol so they call it). I have a long road ahead of me and it will involve tears, pain, and heavy hormones but I am excited to take this step. I have my fingers crossed; my prayers and faith will hopefully prevail. I can only HOPE!
For now, I want others to know that unless you have gone through infertility don’t try to give advice, it’s quite annoying. The only thing that helps is love and support; it helps to have someone to talk to, to have a shoulder to cry on, someone who truly cares about you and your situation. One of my dear friends told me that everyone has trials, this is yours, God loves you, He is there for you, it will all work out in the end. She could not have said it better and I will always remember that. If you are not sensitive to the issue then its better you don’t talk about it because it is really painful to hear women talking about the blessing God gave them, how the Lord trusted them with a child, how they got pregnant on the first try, or it only took 3 months to conceive, they knew they were meant to have a family, and anything else of that nature. I understand it’s out of innocence and it is just how they are feeling or showing their gratitude but it cuts like a knife to anyone trying for years to conceive. My last words on this are don’t tiptoe around the issue, if you have a question about my situation ask it, if you are pregnant and don’t know what to say, ANNOUNCE IT! I hate when people wait because they don’t want to offend me. Your freaking pregnant, that’s exciting, I’ll be excited for you! It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt a little but it’s something to get excited about and I want to share in those moments with my friends and family.
I want you all to know that I love you dearly, I am not trying to call anyone out, I am just informing you on my current situation. I know a lot of you know a little about what’s going on but I’m opening up to the whole scoop. I’m sick of having so much internal sadness and pain. Also, there have been rough roads in my almost 5 year marriage, we will work it out. We were married and sealed in the temple for all eternity for a reason and it will remain that way. There has been so much stress put on our marriage because of the military and infertility and this is just one more trial that we have to overcome. I am sorry for any sob stories I have told, I have had a lot of anger and hurt that occasionally comes out. I am not perfect but hopefully with the Lords help I can become closer to being perfected in Him.
